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Toledot – Hilchot Kibbud Av Va’em

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By Rabbi Yishai Natan:

1. The Mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’em

In Parashat Toldot, we see how Esav went to great lengths to honor his father, Yitzhak. Even though Esav was a rasha, he was known for his exceptional Kibbud Av. The Midrash (Bereshit Rabbah 65:16) relates that Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said that although he honored his father throughout his life, his honor did not reach even a fraction of the honor that Esav showed his father. We also find that Yaakov listened to his mother Rivka and went to receive the berachot from Yitzhak, even though he was initially hesitant. Parashat Toldot contains several important interactions between parents and children.

The Torah commands us, “Kabed et avicha ve’et imecha” — Honor your father and mother (Shemot 20:12). This includes taking care of their needs, serving them, speaking respectfully, and treating them with dignity.

The Aruch HaShulhan (Yoreh De’ah 240:2) explains that Kibbud Av Va’em is a mitzvah sichlit, a commandment that makes logical sense. Even people who do not believe in the Torah understand that children should respect their parents. Nevertheless, a Jew should fulfill this mitzvah because Hashem commanded him, not simply because it makes sense. Maharam Hagiz adds that since honoring parents is something human logic demands, someone who neglects this mitzvah has an even greater claim against him.

The Sefer HaHinuch (Mitzvah 33) explains that the purpose of the mitzvah is to develop hakarat hatov, gratitude. Our parents brought us into the world, raised us, and cared for us. By appreciating what they have done, we learn to recognize everything Hashem does for us.

The Abarbanel (Parashat Yitro), quoted by Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 1:2), explains that when children honor their parents, their own children will learn to honor them. This is middah keneged middah.

2. The Reward for Honoring Parents

The Torah promises that someone who honors his parents will merit long life, as it says, “Lema’an ya’arichun yamecha” (Shemot 20:12).

The Gemara (Kiddushin 39b) explains that the ultimate reward promised for mitzvot, including long life, refers to Olam Haba. However, the Mishnah (Pe’ah 1:1) specifically lists Kibbud Av Va’em among the mitzvot whose fruits a person enjoys in this world, while the principal reward remains for Olam Haba. Therefore, although the full reward is reserved for the next world, a person can also receive blessings in this world.

3. Honoring Parents Is Compared to Honoring Hashem

The Gemara (Kiddushin 30b–31a) teaches that the Torah compares the honor and fear of parents to the honor and fear of Hashem. Just as we must honor Hashem, we must honor our parents, and just as we must fear Hashem, we must have mora for our parents.

The Gemara explains that there are three partners in the creation of a person: Hashem, his father, and his mother. When a person honors his parents, Hashem considers it as though He Himself is being honored.

The Tur and Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:1) begin the laws of Kibbud Av Va’em by warning that a person must be extremely careful with the honor and fear of his parents.

It is related in the name of the Hazon Ish that bahurim returning home for Bein HaZemanim should review the halachot of Kibbud Av Va’em beforehand, just as one studies the halachot of a holiday before the holiday arrives.

4. The Difference Between Kavod and Mora Av Va’em

The Torah gives us two separate commandments: Kibbud Av Va’em — honoring parents (Shemot 20:12), and Mora Av Va’em — showing reverence toward parents (Vayikra 19:3). The Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) explains that kavod means actively serving and honoring parents, while mora means avoiding behavior that shows disrespect.

What Is Considered Kavod? The Gemara defines kavod as feeding parents, giving them drinks, clothing them, and helping them enter and leave. This includes preparing meals, helping with their needs, and standing when they enter the room (Shulhan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:4, 7).

What Is Considered Mora? The Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) and Shulhan Aruch (240:2) list several prohibitions:

  1. Sitting or standing in a parent’s designated place: A child may not sit in his father’s special seat or stand in the place reserved for his father to pray.
  2. Contradicting parents: A child may not directly contradict his parents or even declare that his father’s opinion is correct, since doing so places him in a position of judging his father.
  3. Calling parents by their names: A child may not address his parents by their first names, even after they have passed away.

Why Does the Torah Mention the Father First for Kavod and the Mother First for Mora? The Gemara (Kiddushin 30b–31a) explains that children naturally tend to honor their mothers more because of their warmth and care, while they tend to fear their fathers more because of their authority. Therefore, the Torah emphasizes honoring fathers and fearing mothers. Nevertheless, both parents are equal in both commandments.

5. Correcting Parents and Disagreeing With Their Halacha

The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:2) rules that a child may not directly contradict his parents. For example, if his father is telling a story and mentions an incorrect detail, the child should not interrupt to correct him.

However, the poskim discuss whether the same prohibition applies to matters of Torah and halacha. There is room to correct a parent’s Torah statement respectfully, particularly when necessary to prevent a mistake. Some authorities distinguish between correcting a parent in his presence and discussing the disagreement when he is absent.

An interesting case is discussed by Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 5:38). Suppose a father follows the rulings of the Ben Ish Hai, while his son wants to follow Maran HaShulhan Aruch. The son may follow Maran, and in Eretz Yisrael, he should generally do so. Honoring one’s father does not necessarily require adopting all of his halachic opinions.

6. Standing Up for Parents – How Many Times a Day?

The Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) teaches that a child must stand when his father or mother enters. The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:7) rules accordingly. This applies equally to sons and daughters, even when the parents are not Talmidei Hachamim.

According to Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 4:1), a child must stand to his full height, beginning when the parent comes within sight, and remain standing until the parent sits down, stops in his place, or leaves his sight.

How Many Times a Day? The Gemara (Kiddushin 33b) quotes Rabbi Abba in the name of Rabbi Yannai, who says that a student should stand for his Rav only in the morning and evening, since we acknowledge Hashem’s honor through Keriat Shema twice daily.

However, Tosafot (33b, Ein Talmid Hacham Rashai) explain that this limitation applies to students who live in their Rav’s house, where everyone knows they have already stood for him. Other students must stand even one hundred times daily.

The poskim disagree whether this limitation also applies to parents.

Why Doesn’t Anyone Stand Nowadays? The Gemara (Kiddushin 32a) rules, “Av shemahal al kevodo, kevodo mahul” — a parent may waive the honor owed to him. The Shulhan Aruch (240:19) rules accordingly.

However, Yalkut Yosef (4:9) explains that simply not expecting children to stand does not necessarily mean the parent has waived the obligation. The parent must clearly agree, whether verbally or through an unmistakable gesture. Therefore, the fact that many children do not stand nowadays does not automatically exempt them.

When a Parent Receives an Aliyah: Yalkut Yosef (4:5), following Rav Ovadia Yosef (Halichot Olam, volume 8, Shoftim), writes that the Sephardic custom is to stand throughout a parent’s aliyah until the parent returns to his seat. The Hida explains that once this became the accepted custom, failing to stand could be considered disrespectful, even if the parent waived his ordinary honor.

7. Calling Parents by Their Names

May a Child Call His Father or Mother by Their First Name? The Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) teaches that part of Mora Av Va’em is not calling parents by their names. The Shulhan Aruch (240:2) rules that a child may not call his father or mother by their first name, whether they are alive or deceased. Instead, he should address them as Abba or Ima.

8. What About Mentioning a Parent’s Name to Other People? The Shulhan Aruch (240:2) rules that one should not mention his father’s name alone, even when he is not present. However, he may mention it with a respectful title, such as Avi Mori Yitzhak or Mor Avi Yitzhak. For his mother, he may say Marat Imi Sarah.

The Tur frequently refers to his father as Adoni Avi HaRosh. The Aruch HaShulhan (240:14), citing the Maharshal, explains that HaRosh was a title of honor rather than his father’s actual name, Rabbeinu Asher.

What if the Father Permits His Children to Call Him by Name? There is a mahloket whether parents can waive this prohibition. Some allow it because parents can waive their honor, while others distinguish between kavod and mora. Yalkut Yosef (5:86) brings both opinions and concludes that children should refrain from calling parents by name even when they give permission.

9. Who Comes First, a Father or Mother?

The Gemara (Kiddushin 31a) discusses a case where a father and mother both ask their son for a glass of water at the same time. Whom should he serve first?

The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:14) rules that the father comes first because the mother is also obligated to honor her husband. Therefore, both the child and the mother have an obligation toward the father.

However, if the parents are divorced, the mother is no longer obligated to honor the father. In that case, both parents are equal, and the child may choose whom to serve first.

10. Must a Child Listen to Everything His Parents Say?

Does Kibbud Av Va’em mean that a child must obey every instruction his parents give, even when the request does not directly benefit them?

For example, a father tells his son not to wear a particular style of clothing, not to travel somewhere, or not to purchase a certain item. Is the son obligated to listen?

There is a major mahloket among the poskim.

The More Limited Obligation: The Maharik (Shoresh 166) holds that Kibbud Av Va’em applies primarily to matters that directly involve the parents’ honor or benefit. Therefore, when a father objects to the woman his son wishes to marry, the son is not obligated to listen. The Rama (Yoreh De’ah 240:25) rules accordingly.

The Gra (240:36), based on the Ramban and Rashba (Yevamot 6a), explains that the primary obligation of kavod concerns serving and benefiting parents, rather than obeying every command. However, there is a separate discussion whether such requests may involve mora.

The Broader Obligation: The Havot Yair (214), Hazon Ish (Yoreh De’ah 149:8), and Pithei Teshuva (240:23) discuss opinions that respecting a parent’s wishes may itself be obligatory, even when the parent receives no direct benefit.

Rav Ovadia Yosef (Yabia Omer, volume 8, Yoreh De’ah 22) discusses these opinions. Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 9:1) rules that the main halacha follows the more limited obligation. Nevertheless, it is middat hasidut to obey even when the parents receive no direct benefit, especially because some poskim consider it obligatory min hadin.

11. Does Emotional Happiness Count as a Direct Benefit?

Suppose a mother asks her children to attend a family wedding or Sheva Berachot. She will not receive any physical assistance, but she will be very happy to see them there. Is this considered hana’ah?

According to the distinction of the Maharik (Shoresh 166), the question is whether the mother’s emotional satisfaction qualifies as direct benefit or whether this remains a request unrelated to the ordinary obligations of Kibbud Av Va’em.

There is also a difference between a parent simply preferring that the child attend and a parent who will suffer genuine distress or embarrassment if the child does not come.

Yalkut Yosef discusses a case in which parents ask their son to attend a family event while he is learning Torah. Although he is generally not obligated to interrupt his learning merely because they request it, if his absence will cause them genuine distress and the interruption is temporary, he should accommodate them.

12. Parents Should Not Make Excessive Demands

The Rambam (Hilchot Mamrim 6:8) and Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:19) rule:

“אסור לאדם להכביד עולו על בניו ולדקדק בכבודו עמהם שלא יביאם לידי מכשול”

A parent may not place excessive demands on his children or be overly strict about receiving honor, because this could cause them to stumble in a prohibition.

Instead, parents should overlook minor failures and waive their honor when appropriate.

For example, if a mother repeatedly demands favors from her adult daughter, knowing that the daughter becomes angry and disrespectful, the mother should consider whether her demands are creating unnecessary opportunities for wrongdoing.

Similarly, if a father knows that his son is unlikely to obey a particular request, he should consider avoiding an unnecessary confrontation.

If Parents Waive Their Honor, Does the Child Still Fulfill a Mitzvah by Honoring Them? Yes, there is room to fulfill a mitzvah voluntarily even when the parent has waived the obligation. However, waiving honor does not mean that parents may be insulted or embarrassed.

13. What if Parents Embarrass Their Child?

The Gemara (Kiddushin 31a–32a) describes how far the obligation to honor parents extends. Even if a parent embarrasses his child publicly, the child may not respond by humiliating the parent.

The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:3) describes a situation in which a parent tears his child’s expensive clothing, strikes him, and spits in his face in front of important people. Even then, the child may not respond disrespectfully.

The Gemara also discusses a parent who throws his child’s wallet into the ocean. The Shulhan Aruch (240:8) rules that the child may not insult or humiliate the parent afterward.

However, the Rama (240:8) explains that before the money is thrown away, the child may prevent the loss. He is not required to allow his property to be destroyed. Even afterward, he may pursue a monetary claim through Bet Din, but he may not treat the parent disrespectfully.

14. Must a Child Financially Support His Parents?

The Gemara (Kiddushin 32a) discusses whether the expenses of Kibbud Av Va’em must come from the parents’ money or the child’s money.

Rav Yehuda holds mishel ben — the son must use his own money. Rav Natan bar Oshaya holds mishel av — the expenses come from the father’s money.

The accepted halacha is mishel av. Therefore, if a father has sufficient money, the child must help him with his needs but does not have to pay the expenses from his own pocket. For example, the child may be obligated to shop for groceries, but the groceries can be purchased using the father’s money.

What if the Father Has No Money? The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:5) rules that if the father cannot afford his needs but the son has sufficient money, the son can be required to support him according to his financial ability.

Is Supporting Parents a Mitzvah of Kibbud Av or Tzedaka?

The Rama (240:5), citing the Rif, Rosh, and Ran, explains that the son’s financial obligation follows the laws of tzedaka. Therefore, his obligation depends on his financial ability and the parents’ needs, rather than requiring unlimited financial sacrifice.

The Aruch HaShulhan (240:5) explains that although Bet Din generally does not force someone to fulfill ordinary Kibbud Av Va’em, it may compel financial support when the parents are needy and the child has sufficient money.

If several children can support their parents, the Rama (240:5) rules that the obligation is divided according to their financial ability, rather than automatically dividing the expenses equally.

Does a child need to pay for tickets to visit them for Yom Tov? It’s hard to say that a child has to, but if the parents don’t have money to fly them in, and the child has enough in the savings to come, he should make a special effort to go.

Can a Child Use Ma’aser Money to Support His Parents?

The Rama (240:5) writes that if a person can afford to support his parents from his regular money but instead uses charity funds, tavo me’era — a curse should come upon him.

However, if he cannot afford to support his parents without using his ma’aser funds, he may use that money. The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 251:3) rules that needy parents take priority over other poor people.

Can a Child Recover Money From His Father’s Estate?

Suppose a son used his own money to support his father, who later passed away leaving property. Can the son recover those expenses before the inheritance is divided?

Yalkut Yosef discusses circumstances in which a son may recover money spent on his father’s needs from his father’s property. However, one must distinguish between money advanced with an expectation of reimbursement and money voluntarily given as support. Not every payment automatically becomes a debt against the estate.

15. Honoring Parents Before Praying

Suppose parents ask their son to pick them up from the airport early in the morning, before he has prayed Shaharit. Is he permitted to do so?

The Shulhan Aruch (Orah Haim 89:3) generally prohibits attending to personal affairs before praying.

However, Yalkut Yosef permits picking up parents before praying because this is an act of Kibbud Av Va’em, not merely a personal errand.

This does not permit a person to miss the required time for Keriat Shema or tefillah.

16. Visiting Parents and Making Promises

Visiting Parents After Thirty Days: Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 5:53) rules that if someone has not seen his parents for thirty days, he should recite Shehehiyanu with Shem UMalchut upon seeing them again, provided he is happy to see them. This applies even if they spoke on the telephone during that time.

However, the custom is not to recite Mehaye HaMetim after twelve months of separation. One reason is that it is inappropriate to compare living parents to deceased people. Another is that telephone conversations mean they have not been completely disconnected.

Saying Bli Neder When Promising to Visit: Yalkut Yosef (5:51) writes that a child should avoid telling his parents, “I will come visit tomorrow,” as an unconditional promise. Since visiting them is a mitzvah, such a promise may have the status of a neder concerning a mitzvah. Therefore, he should say bli neder.

17. Honoring an Older Brother or Sister

The Gemara (Ketubot 103a) derives from the word et in “Kabed et avicha ve’et imecha” that a person must also honor his older brother.

The Rambam (Hilchot Mamrim 6:15) and Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:22) rule that one must honor an older brother, whether they share the same father or mother. Even when the younger brother is a greater Talmid Hacham, he must still show the appropriate honor.

Does This Apply to Every Older Sibling?

Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 14:14) brings a mahloket but concludes that the main halacha is that the obligation applies to every older sibling, including sisters. He explains that this follows both the straightforward understanding of the halacha and the deeper teachings of the Torah.

The Ben Ish Hai (Shanah Sheniyah, Shoftim 29) explicitly rules that the obligation applies to every older sibling. For example, the third brother must honor the second brother, not only the firstborn.

What About an Older Sister? The Shevut Yaakov (1:76) holds that the special obligation does not extend to older sisters. However, the Hida (Birkei Yosef, Yoreh De’ah 240:17) and Ben Ish Hai (Shoftim 29), citing Rabbeinu HaAri (Sha’ar Ta’amei HaMitzvot), include older sisters in the obligation.

What Does Honoring an Older Sibling Require?

The Minhat Hinuch (Mitzvah 33) understands that the obligation may extend to the ordinary requirements of honoring parents. However, the Hida (Shiyurei Beracha 240:12) distinguishes between honoring parents and older siblings. Yalkut Yosef (14:13) rules that older siblings must be honored, but not to the same extent as parents.

According to Yalkut Yosef:

  1. Standing: Strictly speaking, a younger sibling should stand when an older sibling comes within four amot. However, many rely on the assumption that the older sibling waives this honor.
  2. Aliyah: Younger siblings should stand when an older brother receives an aliyah, remaining standing until the reading concludes.
  3. Calling by Name: A younger sibling may call an older sibling by name, although it is proper to use a respectful title when appropriate.
  4. Disagreeing: A younger sibling may disagree with an older sibling, unlike the special restrictions concerning parents.
  5. Sitting in Their Place: A younger sibling may sit in an older sibling’s regular seat.
  6. Speaking Disrespectfully: A younger sibling must not insult or humiliate an older sibling.
  7. Obeying Requests: An older sibling does not have general authority to command younger siblings merely because he is older.

18. Honoring In-Laws – Is It the Same as Honoring Parents?

The Tur and Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:24) rule that a person must honor his father-in-law. The source is David HaMelech, who addressed Shaul HaMelech, his father-in-law, as “Avi re’eh gam re’eh” — “My father, see, indeed see” (Shemuel I 24:12).

The Bach and Taz (240:19) extend this obligation to a mother-in-law.

How Much Honor Is Required?

The Bach and Shach (240:22) explain that the obligation is not identical to honoring one’s actual parents. Rather, in-laws must be honored like distinguished elders.

The Haredim takes a broader approach, explaining that a husband and wife are considered one unit, and therefore each spouse’s parents deserve honor from the other spouse.

The Aruch HaShulhan (240:44) questions the proof from David HaMelech. We find other people addressed as avi even though they were not the person’s father or father-in-law. For example, Elisha called Eliyahu HaNavi “avi avi.” Perhaps David called Shaul avi merely because he was a king. Therefore, the Aruch HaShulhan agrees with the more limited obligation of the Bach and Shach.

The Sephardic Ruling

The Ben Ish Hai (Shanah 2, Shoftim 30) rules that both husbands and wives must honor their in-laws.

Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em, chapter 14) explains that a son-in-law must stand when his father-in-law comes within four amot. However, the special rules of mora do not apply to in-laws; the obligation is one of kavod.

May a Son-in-Law Call His Father-in-Law by His First Name? Yalkut Yosef (14:32) brings the Hida, who explains that since the obligation concerns kavod rather than mora, one could argue that calling a father-in-law by name is permitted. However, since some poskim consider avoiding first names part of kavod, and because even ordinary elders deserve respectful forms of address, one should refrain.

19. Honoring Grandparents – Is There a Mitzvah?

The Maharik (Shoresh 44) holds that there is no special Torah obligation of Kibbud Av Va’em toward grandparents beyond the general obligation to treat them respectfully.

However, the Rama (Yoreh De’ah 240:24) disagrees and rules that a person must honor his grandfather, although his father’s honor takes priority. His proof comes from Yaakov Avinu, who offered sacrifices to the God of his father Yitzhak (Bereshit 46:1), rather than mentioning Avraham. This indicates that the father’s honor takes priority over the grandfather’s.

What About Maternal Grandparents?

The Gra (240:34) distinguishes between paternal and maternal grandfathers, indicating that the latter may not have the same obligation.

The Aruch HaShulhan (240:44) argues that maternal grandfathers should also be honored. The Ben Ish Hai (Shanah Sheniyah, Shoftim 30) extends the obligation to grandparents on both sides of the family.

Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Va’em 14:20) rules that a paternal grandfather must be honored while the father is alive. After the father’s passing, the grandfather should still be respected like an elder. Regarding maternal grandparents, there is no equivalent strict obligation min hadin, although honoring a maternal grandfather is proper.

The specific level of obligation toward grandmothers is another point to distinguish from the obligation toward grandfathers.

20. The Greatest Honor a Child Can Give His Parents

Beyond serving and respecting parents, one of the greatest ways to honor them is by learning Torah and performing mitzvot. The Zohar emphasizes the spiritual connection between children and parents. Through a child’s Torah and mitzvot, the parents receive spiritual benefit, even after their passing. The Shulhan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 240:9) explicitly rules that the obligation to honor parents continues after they have passed away.

21. Why Are Children So Lax About Kibbud Av Va’em?

The Pele Yoetz (entry Kibbud Av Va’em) complains that children in his generation were becoming careless about honoring their parents, disregarding their wishes and causing them emotional pain. This shows that the problem is not limited to our generation.

The Sefer Haredim (positive commandments fulfilled in the heart, 1:35) explains that the main obligation of Kibbud Av Va’em is actually in a person’s heart. A child must view his parents as important and honorable people. Simply serving them without genuinely respecting them is not the complete fulfillment of the mitzvah.

The Hayei Adam (67:3) follows this approach and explains that a person must consider his parents important even when others do not view them as particularly distinguished.

This may explain why the mitzvah can be so difficult. Children see their parents every day, including their weaknesses and mistakes. However, the Torah requires them to respect their parents regardless of those imperfections.

22. Why Don’t We Make a Beracha on Kibbud Av Va’em?

Although Kibbud Av Va’em is a mitzvah min haTorah, we do not recite a beracha before performing it. The poskim offer several explanations:

  1. Parents can waive their honor: The Rashba (Responsa 1:18) explains a principle concerning mitzvot that depend on another person’s cooperation or acceptance.
  2. It is a constant mitzvah: The Or Zarua (1:140) discusses the distinction between ongoing mitzvot and those performed at specific times.
  3. It is a logical mitzvah: The Aruch HaShulhan (240:4) explains that honoring parents is something human logic already demands.
  4. It is ben adam lechavero: The mitzvah involves another person’s needs and honor, rather than a ritual action performed directly toward Hashem.
  5. It may not be fulfilled completely: The Sedei Hemed (Asifat Dinim, Berachot 1:16), citing Shema Yaakov, discusses the difficulty of properly fulfilling such a demanding mitzvah.
  6. The religious intention is not recognizable: The Aruch HaShulhan (240:4) explains that the outward action of a Jew honoring his parents may look identical to someone doing so out of natural love.
  7. Non-Jews also honor their parents: The Rokeah (366) and Aruch HaShulhan (ibid.) discuss the fact that this behavior is not unique to Jews.
  8. It can be fulfilled through thought: The Hayei Adam (67:3) explains that part of honoring parents involves considering them important and honorable in one’s heart.