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HaRav Yishai Natan –
If I ask someone for mehillah, and he says he forgives me, but I know he is just saying it because he does not want to be embarrassed or look mean by not forgiving me, is that considered a valid mehillah?
Rabbeinu Behaya (Bereshit 50:17) writes that verbal mehillah is very important, and it is not enough to forgive someone only in one’s heart. He proves this from the brothers of Yosef, because although Yosef forgave his brothers for selling him, he never actually told them that he forgave them, therefore, they did not receive complete forgiveness, and the Ten Harugeh Malchut were later killed as punishment for the sale of Yosef.
Shu”t Haim BeYad (Rav Haim Palagi) writes that this is a hidush, but nevertheless, one should be mahmir and verbally tell the other person that he forgives him. The Ben Ish Hai (Vayelech 6) also seems to indicate that forgiveness should be expressed verbally, although it is not clear that he considers this a requirement.
What happens, however, if someone only forgives verbally without really meaning it? Some poskim hold that the mehillah is still valid, and they compare it to forgiving a loan. If someone verbally forgives a debt, he cannot later claim that he did not really mean it, rather, we follow what he said because of the rule of devarim shebalev einam devarim—unspoken thoughts do not override a person’s words. (Rav Yitzhak Blazer, introduction to Netivot Ohr, in the name of Rav Yisrael Salanter; Torat Shalom, p. 114, in the name of Rav Yisrael Yaakov Fischer; Bemehitzat Hachmei Yisrael, Yom Kippur 9, in the name of Rav Haim Kanievsky.)
However, Shu”t Rav Akiva Eiger (23) writes that the rule of devarim shebalev einam devarim does not apply to something that specifically requires kavanah, which would apply to mehillah as well.
Additionally, the Gemarot in Yoma 85b, Berachot 28a, and Nedarim 55a indicate that a person must actually appease the other party, implying that the person must truly change how he feels, rather than simply saying that he is mohel.
Hut Shani quotes the Hazon Ish (Yom Kippur, p. 100), who said many times that if someone verbally forgives another person but does not mean it, the forgiveness is worthless. This is also the opinion of the Ba’al Pele Yoetz (Orot Elim), Rav Elyashiv (Ashrei Ish 20:12), Yam Shel Shlomo (Bava Kama 8:63), the Hayei Adam in his tzava’ah to his family, and Shu”t Oz Nidberu (7:65).
Similarly, Hacham Ben Tzion Abba Shaul (Ohr LeTzion 2:15:17) was asked about the Ribono Shel Olam tefillah recited during Keriat Shema al HaMitah, where a person says that he forgives everyone who wronged him, and he ruled that if the person does not truly mean it, the statement is a lie, therefore, he should skip that part of the tefillah.